Episode #69: Breaking Up with a Business Bestie with Terra Bohlmann
The Fast-Track Woman Podcast: Episode #69
Breaking Up with a Business Bestie with Terra Bohlmann
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Meet Podcast Guest, Terra Bohlmann
About this Podcast Episode.
In this episode, Terra Bohlmann shares her top 3 warning signs to watch out for to determine if it's time to break up with your "biz bestie". Terra gives her insight and shares exactly how to have the difficult conversation. She shares her personal stories of previous "biz besties" in her own life and how she's reframed "Biz Bestie" to be simply amazing friends.
Like any relationship, business friendships can get complicated - especially if there is not an equal exchange of value. If you aren't familiar with "biz besties", have had one, or have one now, but something doesn't feel right anymore...you'll love this episode.
Here's to lifting up all women, having heart-felt conversations when something feels off, and standing firm in our own boundaries.
To learn more, visit TerraBohlmann.com or if you'd like to schedule a free consult with Terra, you can visit www.TerraBohlmann.com/apply.
Resources, Tools, and Links Mentioned in this Episode.
- Apply for your complimentary Fast-Track Session with Terra HERE.
Read and Download the Transcript for this Episode.
Intro (00:01): When you give smart women a five-year plan, simple business strategies and a positive mindset, it's amazing how fast your business can grow. Welcome to the fast track woman podcast with your host and business strategist, Terra Bohlmann. She helps women business owners stop winging it and board the fast track to success. When she's not making high flying dreams, the reality you can find her traveling to random destinations, desperately tracking down Chanel, broaches, or sipping overpriced coffee drinks. Her purpose in life is to help you build a profitable first-class business, smooth out the bumpy ride, and finally have more time, energy and freedom. So buckle your seatbelt because this episode of the fast track woman takes off right now.
Terra Bohlmann (00:55): Welcome it. Back to the track woman. I am pumped about doing this episode today, and it's a different type of episode it's business related, but it's also personal. And it's one of these topics around breaking up with a business of bestie specifically, how, you know, when it's time. So we're going to dig in to the concept of what is a business bestie or biz Bez bestie is, as they say, and really if they're a friend or maybe they're a foe, but this whole concept of business besties, when it comes to women entrepreneurs specifically, and I'm going to share my own personal experience with business besties that I've had in the past. And also some things that my clients have experienced with their own quote unquote business besties. And I just, I use the quote only because, you know, I really question if we should have a thing like a business bestie, it's a little controversial today. So we're going to dig in and maybe you're like, Terra, this is like, what the heck are you talking about? Well, I'm going to share with you what the whole concept of a business bestie is. And kind of the other side of why it's not always the greatest thing to have a business bestie because you get into this codependent relationship and then sometimes it's just better to break up.
Terra Bohlmann (02:26): So I've really
Terra Bohlmann (02:28): Spent the last few years working on my own mindset. And it's funny because it's funny and ironic that when I have business coach over the last decade, I've been business coaching women entrepreneurs. And I just kind of had this thing where I always was trying to outsource the mindset piece that I knew my clients needed. And it was one of these wake up calls that was like, you know what, maybe rather than try to outsource and partner with people that can help my clients get these amazing breakthroughs that I know they needed in order to take the business strategies that we put together and actually put them into action. The business strategies super easy for me, everyone has their zone of genius. That is mine. I can do it all day. Every day. I can build out multi-million dollar business maps and plans and help my clients put theirs together and all that kind of stuff.
Terra Bohlmann (03:24): That is my lane. But I always felt a little uncomfortable in this other lane, which was giving them what they need and then letting them go do it. And then finding out a lot of the times they didn't go do it because mindset issues got in the way and the things that, you know, the Mo the stuff in our heads and the fears and all this kind of stuff was stopping them from getting the result that they knew they wanted. I mean, I've been doing business maps. I think we had like 172 now of custom business maps see women, very smart women, doctors, lawyers, PhDs women. Who've been doing business for a while. Women with super high confidence coming in, and then we do their business map. They're crying. They're like, this is everything I've dreamed in gas. It all fits and flows together. And I see it now.
Terra Bohlmann (04:18): And then crickets, they don't go take action on it because they're scared things come up, all the self-talk that we do, all the things that they said they want, they weren't going after it. And that's where I knew who, okay, let me call on some experts here. So I would try to partner with some people and whatnot and never really worked. And then I would talk to my own, my best friend, not a business bestie, but you know, my best friend Kelly. And I would say, Cal, I don't know what's going on. Like, why do I partner with these people? And it's just, it's always a disaster. You know, I've tried to partner with life coaches, you know, psychologist, mindset, people, money, money mindset, blah, blah, blah. And I would go, yeah, this is, it's just always a disaster. Am I doing wrong? What's going on?
Terra Bohlmann (05:09): She's like, you haven't learned your lesson yet. And I was like, okay, that's that's good stuff. Right? It's gonna, she goes, it's going to continue to be a reoccurring theme in your life until you learn what you're supposed to learn. And I was like, that's what it is. So shout out to Kelly. She's amazing. All right. So what I was finding is, you know, I was always searching for this other missing component of my own business because I wasn't, I wasn't a hundred percent confident of how to get the breakthroughs. You know, I'm kind of self motivated, but, you know, I had my own blocks and stuff coming up in my own head too. And that's when it was like, ding, ding, ding, I need to work through mine. So I've honestly spent the last few years working on my own mindset because nothing me crazier crazier.
Terra Bohlmann (06:00): Then when people proclaim their business coach and literally started a business five minutes ago and had one successful sale. And so now they're an expert, right? Or the life coach that's out helping and marketing and saying, they're doing all these great things, but they haven't worked on their mindset. And they're not far enough along to be able to understand where their clients are. So that's kind of how I approach everything is I need to walk my own talk. So I had to go through my own journey, been doing that for the last few years. And finally I was like, okay, I'm ready. I've worked through a lot of my stuff. I'm not perfect because none of us are. And I need to find a way to get certified trained on how to do all this stuff, which felt very mystical to me around mindset, around breakthroughs, around modalities.
Terra Bohlmann (06:58): Like, you know, I didn't understand that what happened. I just knew like my clients who were working with some of the mindset, people were getting fantastic results. So I was like, okay, I'm gonna learn this. Not only learn it, but I'm gonna get certifications around it. And now I'm getting my master's certification around it because this stuff is awesome. So I've spent my last year working on my certifications. I started doing some mindset, breakthrough, VIP sessions. And if I have to hop on a call with my client, because she is stuck, we are going to like dig in. I'm not going to let her stay stuck right now that I have these tools in my toolbox, I felt completely like I had to go do the work and I wanted to do that for my clients because I am more interested in their transformation than anything else.
Terra Bohlmann (07:46): Okay. So now I'm helping these other women business owners have major breakthroughs in their life and their business, which always trickles down to the business or they think they come for the business, but it's really going to like have a breakthrough around their life. And this is the first topic that I want to dig into around how to know when it's time to break up with a business bestie, because I've seen it happen too many times. And this is you know, happened to me too. And I know it can cripple women entrepreneurs and get in the way of her business success.
Terra Bohlmann (08:23): So the greatest thing about doing business, I think as a woman, entrepreneur is learning and meeting other women entrepreneurs. I call them like-minded women. Right? I love everything about it. I love the networking component of it. I love to hear how they've pushed through something and are willing to share with me because honestly, I come from the corporate world and especially on the consulting side, a lot of it is very competitive, especially when it comes to women and, and, you know, it was kind of like cutthroat, you know, like you never really knew if you could trust somebody and it was a whole thing. Right. So when I came into entrepreneurship that, you know, this past time with my coaching business, you know, really skeptical probably 12 years ago, it was like do women really like share things like, is this, can I trust them on?
Terra Bohlmann (09:16): And it's, it's taken, it took me a while. And I, it's something I continue to have to be aware of. Right. aware of, but also not that I'm so aware of it that I'm attracting, you know, people I can't trust in my life, those days are over. And there is just this magical thing. That's all I can explain it around women doing business with other women and just being in masterminds and having great friends that you can pick up the phone and say, you know what, I'm stuck on my side. No, you did this. Like what, what do I do, right? Like that is super powerful. I pay to be in high-end masterminds. I run one it's really powerful. So let me make sure distinguish between having business friends and really good friends versus what I'm calling the business bestie. Right. The best D being the one person.
Terra Bohlmann (10:10): Okay. So the whole concept of business besties, if I can just be a hundred percent honest, and I don't want to lose any friends here because having friends and, you know, I want people to like me, this is something that I really struggled with for years and all that and this stuff, but I'm also okay. Putting my own stake in the ground and saying, you know what, but business besties, I'm kind of over it. I just got to tell you, we can all be individuals and leaders in this world. And we don't have to attach ourselves to someone else to gain the confidence, to share audiences. Right. And all that kind of stuff. I'll tell you, I'm all for partnerships. And I'm just saying, you need to, when you go to partner with anyone, male, female, anyone, you need to do your due diligence. Right.
Terra Bohlmann (10:54): Because you're attaching your brand to someone else's and partnerships and affiliates and all that kind of stuff. Cool. If that's what you want to do to promote your business and whatnot, go for it. Right. So I'm all for partnerships. So the main thing being that there's a clear, very clear win-win for both of you, right? Put it in writing all that kind of stuff. The idea of doing what someone I saw on Instagram coined as creating S E O optimized friendships. Oh, it feels so icky to me. Can I just be honest? It feels so icky. And I don't know if you know much about SEO, but it means search engine optimization. So it's all about how you can leverage a system or technology to get better results from a conversion standpoint. So when I think of an SEO optimized friendship, it's that it's very strategic and a little maybe manipulative.
Terra Bohlmann (11:56): And I think that's why it feels icky for me. So I don't know. I mean, I'm all for having great friends and partnerships and all that kind of stuff, but it's like, when it's so thought out and it's like these multi multi-millionaires influencers or whatever that are joining together to leverage each other's audiences to kind of make it so that other people can't break in, I don't know, something just comes up for me and it's probably some inner work I need to do on myself, but I just don't like the idea of having a biz bestie, I'm a branding perspective only, right. Versus like, are we really friends? Do you know, do we know each other's core values? Do we know each other's kids and life and, you know, goals and all that kind of stuff. So anyway, you know, you'll probably see more and more of that, unfortunately.
Terra Bohlmann (12:46): But you know, it's just something I've been super aware of lately. And when you have biz besties, right. It tends to be where you see they're. So co-branded together so tight that they represent themselves to the outer world and how they do is a really a reflection upon you as well. So if you have a biz bestie and they're doing one thing, people are going to assume you're onboard with that because that's how you've branded it. It's not necessarily, it's not tends not to be super healthy for your audience or for you. Right. And it also confuses you because you're like you start to meld together to where do you really know what you stand for? And so I'm just into, in this space now to be like, why can't we just have these organic friendships? You know, friends are that I would call rider dies.
Terra Bohlmann (13:42): So w when I say ride or die, really what that means is you're willing to do anything for whether it's your partner or friend or a family, even in the face of danger. And it's one of my own core values that every woman finds her writer dye, and sometimes it's multiple writer dies. Right? And that's why I really do focus on creating a like-minded community amongst my clients so that they can find theirs easier. Because, you know, I try to work with people that all have similar core values. And when I can set that up, it's so much easier to find your own writer die. And I also really strive to make connections myself, to help other women connect with each other, because I think that's just important and not a lot of people do that enough, in my opinion. So going back to these organic friendships, so it's just, you know, when you meet somebody, you want it to feel like easy, right.
Terra Bohlmann (14:41): And not just feel like you have to be friends with them because there's something in it from a business perspective. Like I have friends who are entrepreneurs. I have friends are retired. I have friends who have corporate jobs. I have friends who are stay at home moms. I have friends who don't have kids, and they just completely like, do what they want and when they want, and just live this like amazing life of travel, you know, I've got such a unique variety of friends that, and I wouldn't have been able to do that. Honestly, if I still continued to have my biz bestie, right. So that being said, when I say ride or die, we all need those rider dies on our life. And sometimes you'll find that some of your ride or die friends who you think, and I put writer dies, and I'm doing air quotes.
Terra Bohlmann (15:33): Like you can say me, but sometimes friends like to ride and get all the benefits, but then they kind of ignore that side of the die side of the equation when you need something. And I want it to really feel valuable on both sides. So biz besties, if I can be honest, like I just, like I said, I feel like it's just one of these things that I want women leaders to be able to feel comfortable and competent to stand on their own and not feel they have to attach themselves to someone. I mean, I know I'll say it again, but it's just one of these things that if you have friendships, that's fantastic. Like we all need that. Whether they were founded in the business realm or they are, you know, totally not even business at all. Right. If you're only talking about business and you're, co-branding with somebody, this would be your biz bestie and that whole term of biz while I'm on it.
Terra Bohlmann (16:43): Like, I know like I'm just like on a roll today, but it's one of these words that just kind of makes me cringe a little bit, because I don't know about you, but I run a business. I don't run a biz. Like, I just feel like what I do is serious and I'm passionate about it and I want to help women make a transformation. You know, I love what I do. And I feel like if I'm using the word biz, like it's not even serious. So it's one of these things. And I have used the word biz before. And every time I do, I kind of a little bit, but I have like character limits or something. I have to use it sometimes. But it's one of these things that is just a word for me. And I don't know if it comes across like that for you too.
Terra Bohlmann (17:24): It's like the word hustle, you know, a lot of people it's polarizing, some people hate the word hustle and some people love it. So it, biz is just one of those things. So that's why I strategically named it, you know, business bestie, but like sometimes it's, you know, the business your biz bestie, and you may hear it and in the space, sometimes a biz bestie. So anyway, it's just one of these things that I want to make sure we are at least having an open conversation around the concept of biz bestie, because when you have somebody it's really hard to break away. If you kind of go in and you tend to be at a similar level in your business is what bonds you. And then one of you may be really great at one thing. And the other person's great at something else.
Terra Bohlmann (18:14): And one of the pers, one of the people in the relationship is going to start getting more traction and, you know, and it's just really hard to always be at the same level or the same mindset work that you may have done with your biz bestie. And I don't know about you, but this is one of these things too, that when I see biz besties, and I mean, I am scrolling in my brain right now and like picturing a bunch of pictures, but like, it's one of these things that when I see it, it doesn't motivate me. Like, and I don't know if it's, it's, I'm sure something to do with my own childhood, but it actually makes me feel excluded. And I don't know what it is. It's like, you know, Hey, look at us, we're biz besties and this and that. And I'm promoting for her and she's this and looked at our pictures together.
Terra Bohlmann (19:04): And like, that is actually, it makes me feel like an outsider and, you know, and, and I don't know, it just doesn't feel good. So that's why I'm kind of tackling this. And I've been down a ton of paths where I've had biz besties in my life and it just, they went to a, it just wasn't an unhealthy situation. So I had to do a ton of internal work on it for myself. And I've seen clients go through this as well. And when we have to break up with a biz bestie, I mean, sometimes that is the best thing to do is to do the breakup, you know, it's, it starts to get unhealthy and toxic, and I'll share the three warning signs with you in a second here, but it's one of these things that it will, it can cripple you. I know when I went, when I've went through some biz, bestie breaks up breakups, I always was the person I felt like I was putting more energy in the relationship.
Terra Bohlmann (19:57): And something happened to made me feel like I, it wasn't an equal exchange of value. So then it was like, then I had to go through this whole thing and I don't want to be a mean person. And, you know, and just all this stuff the same way, if you had a boyfriend that just was in high school or college, and it just wasn't going anywhere and it just didn't feel right anymore and you break up and then when you'd break up, what was really great is you're making space for the next, the love of your life to come in. Right. And every time in my case, when I've broken up with a biz bestie, and now I don't have, I won't have a quote unquote, biz bestie. I have a best friend. I've got great business friends. I got, you know, but they all have their own uniqueness about them that I love so much. So, and even like my best friend,
Speaker 4 (20:48): Kelly, she
Terra Bohlmann (20:50): Like, just totally like blew my mind one time. So I had like such a major aha was something she had said to me. And I think I went to her and I was like complaining about, you know, every time I tried to do like some new like business partnership or something, you know, it just wasn't working out. So I went to Kelly and I was like, like, why does it, why do I always like, get into these quote unquote like partnership things. And like, I always end up losing, or this one mad, or, you know, doing some sort of complaint, you know? And she was so calm. And she just said, yeah, Terra it's because you haven't learned your lesson yet. I was like, Hmm. She's like, it's going to continue to show up in your life until you've learned your lesson. And I was like, whoa, that was a total mic drop for me.
Terra Bohlmann (21:43): And it was very much exactly what I had to hear. So I kept recreating scenarios about the story around not being in a win-win situation or like having a quote unquote biz bestie, and somehow it falling short of my expectations. And when I had the aha, just so you know, an aha, I learned about this was this like so awesome. And when you have an aha, it's simply a new neurological connection in your brain, that's what makes us go, whoa, what, and so, and then it creates these new neural pathways and, you know, all these other things come in. So I was like, yeah, that was huge for me. So at that point I decided I was going to take a few years and not really get into quote unquote business partnerships. And, you know, in some, I started to see some other things that were happening from a business bestie perspective around being in a, not equal value type of thing.
Terra Bohlmann (22:44): So, and then I, more, I talked about it, the more I was like, oh, and the more I saw it, and you can kind of see it, play out like biz besties launch or do something or whatever. And then, you know, they're like all together and you're feeling like, oh, okay. Like, I don't know. I kind of feel like an outsider in their friendship or whatever. And then, you know, you're ma you're watching it and then something happens and all of a sudden they unfollow each other, whatever, or like I'd have clients that would come to me, it'd be like, you know, I've gotten to this situation where it's kind of a, either a business partner or, you know, a friendship that started with this, and now it's just very time-consuming and blah, blah, blah. And so we'd have to like walk through a process for them to, you know, separate and do it as amicable as possible.
Terra Bohlmann (23:32): That's when I was like, okay, there's something here. And you may or may not know you have a biz bestie, right. So if you do, and it's working for you, awesome. I'm going to give you the warning signs that you can look out for when, you know, it might be time to go your own way, just in case you may be in a biz bestie relationship where you're like, Ooh, you know what something was off here. And I can't quite put my finger on it, but hopefully one of these warning signs and some of the vulnerability and stuff I'm sharing about my own situation will resonate with you. Or you may be like, I don't even know what a biz bestie is. I'm just tuning in. Like, this is all new to me. Awesome. But it is a thing. And I feel a lot of the biz bestie stuff comes from our lack of confidence as women entrepreneurs to not feel strong, to stand on our own.
Terra Bohlmann (24:30): And because of that, that will cause some other problems and potentially like, hold you back from fast-tracking your own business. And probably, maybe even holding back your biz bestie too, like, we don't want to do that. So here's the three warning signs that, you know, it's time to break up with your biz bestie, I'm going to walk you through these. And then I'm also gonna share with you how you can do it right. In a way that builds an alignment. All right. The first warning sign that it's time to break up with your business bestie is there's an equal exchange of value. This just means you're giving way more than you're getting out of the relationship. And some resentment will start to kick in. And for me, it happened multiple times, right. I started really questioning. Are they with, do they want to be friends with me because they liked me as a person?
Terra Bohlmann (25:18): Or are they getting something out of it, like from a business perspective, or do they like to just be able to pick my brain? You know, I started having all these internal dialogues with myself, which, you know, could be even more inner work that I need to do, but it was also like a gut, like listening to my gut instinct kind of thing too. So resentment started kicking in and it's a great time for some self reflection on yourself. So before we go always pointing our finger at everyone else that they're the worst biz bestie ever, blah, blah, blah. We have to look at ourselves and we have to know that we can't change them, but we can change our emotional state of being around them. We get to decide who we give our time to period. Time is the most important
Speaker 4 (26:04): Asset that we have
Terra Bohlmann (26:06): Hundred percent. And just know, so when I say an N equal exchange of value, if you feel that unequal ness, it could be in terms of money, it could be in terms of joy and happiness. It could be in terms of referrals that you're giving and not getting, it could be just a lot of drama. That's stressing you out. And then you're spending so much time helping her that you're not working on your stuff. And you're starting to get reason that man, like, why am I not further along in my business type of thing, regardless of what it is value to you is your value. So let me share a, I'll share a quick story with one of my former biz besties. And we, you know, we were really good friends. We just kept running in the same circles. We would go to conferences together.
Terra Bohlmann (26:58): We just really had great conversation. We would talk for multiple times a day, sometimes, probably too much. Right. And it was really distracting for my own business and trying to be productive and whatnot. And what I, what happened to me after being in this friendship for years was I had that gut feeling something wasn't right. And when I had a client that actually told me she hired her and bought a product from her that was expensive, bought it and had a horrible experience and didn't get delivered on fully and whatever. And then when my client comes to me and I was like, I didn't even know you had worked with her or I, didn't what I really felt. I felt jaded from my friend, not telling me that she even was working with one of my clients. And it was one of these things that it wasn't just that time that had been a recurring thing.
Terra Bohlmann (27:59): Like it was, she was working, getting all these like high-end clients. And I wouldn't know about it. And sometimes I would, but rarely, but I had ha I had shine the spotlight so much on her and our biz bestie friendship. And she don't, she rarely did that to me. And now that I think about it, oh boy, here we go. I have to work through that. And, but I would put her in front of my audience. I would do all these things to want to help her. And because I thought she was great at what she did obviously, or else I wouldn't, you know, do that. But I had co-branded myself with her through implied trust so much so that my clients would go and hire her. And I didn't know about it. So I felt like it was kind of a stab in the back.
Terra Bohlmann (28:43): Like, honestly, not that I wanted a commission or anything, but I just, can you keep me in the loop when you're working with my clients and knowing you're there, my client, like, that's just weird to me. And that was the first thing. And then it just, the more I noticed that, then I started then, you know, like what are my boundaries around this? And, and whatnot. And I was just like, oh, this had happened a lot. And I had this, you know, thing where I just took like a few minutes and I just kind of calculated quickly how much money I had sent her way that I knew of. And it was over a hundred thousand dollars. And that's just what I knew of. I knew there was probably more that I didn't. And I was like, and that's one thing. I mean, I'm all for referring amazing people.
Terra Bohlmann (29:27): Trust me. I do it all the time. I don't expect anything in return, but the real kicker was she had never one time referred me or given me a referral or a lead or an introduction or anything. So I was continuing to always do this for her and I wasn't getting it in return. Then I justified. I'm like, you know what, but that's okay. Like maybe she just doesn't connect people the way that I naturally want to can, you know, like, you know, you start justifying everything in your head and it was like, Hmm, Nope. The things continued to happen and become really visible to me that she was my friend for referrals. It was a wakeup sign for me that I was a lead generation tool for her as opposed to a true friend, what I would call a ride or die. It messed me up big time.
Terra Bohlmann (30:21): So I ended up, unfortunately it didn't end well. We had a conversation and she hung up on me and, you know, whatever, we like blocked each other and, you know, I wish her the best, but it was, it was a great lessons learned on things. But for me, I would that fullness kicked in and I started to really question, you know, my, everything, you know, you start like your picker, your friend picker. And I just had invested so much time energy in her and that friendship to really feel stabbed in the back. And I let it go on for way too long. That type of thing. In hindsight, I would've handled things differently, but it is what it is. Right. It was a great lesson that I'm super grateful for. And it messed me up because when you break up with a biz bestie, it's just like breaking up with whatever.
Terra Bohlmann (31:13): Like you go through a grieving process. I'm used to talking to somebody multiple times a day, you know, and whatnot. You know, I, I definitely had some more friends or some more time in my life because I wasn't spending, you know, an hour plus on the phone a day. But what I also realized is by keeping her in my biz bestie bucket, I was also blocking new people that I was supposed to meet as well. And so when she moved out, well, didn't move out of my life completely. It opened up space. And what I was able to sit with was the uncomfortableness of not having a quote unquote best friend in the business. Right. I, for me, it was something I struggled with as even a child. And when I went to therapy and did all my inner work around stuff, it was really around having a best friend, my whole life till fifth grade.
Terra Bohlmann (32:07): Then another girl moved to our school, took my best friend away. And it just kind of like broke my I guess my confidence or something like, and so all my life I've been looking, how can I replace that best friend? You know? And I brought it through in the, my business as well. It was kind of that one person, you know, that you would just be able to confide in and stuff. So that for me was a blessing as a curse and a blessing because I was able to learn about it and now have some amazing business friends. I have great just non-business friends, but I will never have it. Biz bestie just doesn't, it doesn't feel like me anymore. So yeah, that was kind of the phase that I had to go through for myself and go through the grieving process and you know, it, and it's all good.
Terra Bohlmann (32:59): And that wasn't, she wasn't the only one prior to her, I had another biz bestie that, you know, just again, was highly emotional. And and just, I was always talking off the ledge, you know, her off of allege and it just got to be toxic and unhealthy as well. And then I've had other biz besties that I've been able to not be as close with, but like still maintain a distant friendship, which is like, is great. The second warning sign is when there's a breach of loyalty, your biz bestie breaks a boundary or your bestie steals crap from you honestly like that's happens, but only you can decide what that is as far as boundary goes. And it's our job to communicate our boundaries to other people as well, right. Or else they're going to continue to break them. The, again, the resentfulness is going to kick in.
Terra Bohlmann (33:56): They're going to be like, well, I didn't even know that was a thing. So we have to communicate our boundaries. So the first time you feel that inkling that's, that's an easy conversation around communicating a boundary. Right. And I tried to do that. I did that a couple of times with my my last biz bestie. And it just kind of was like, okay. And then, you know, something would happen again. And it would continue to get by that boundary would get breached and whatnot. And then it was just like it, then it got to be awkward. Cause like, oh, well just be friends. But we go into business. It's like, I don't know. The whole thing was very bizarre. And it's just, you know, I ain't, nobody got time for that. Right. So one of these things that when you have a boundary it's we have to communicate them.
Terra Bohlmann (34:40): If you have somebody close in your life that has stolen something from you, whether it's your intellectual property or a concept or something like that, you know, it becomes a, it's a big ethical thing too. And I, I know when sometimes, like you'll be having a conversation with your biz bestie and you know, you're just brainstorming, you're saying I'm going to do this and that. And somehow, you know, because words are important. Like I have a NLP certification, I understand the power of words. And sometimes when you use words, it will literally really implant into other people's minds. And then it becomes like their own idea. So sometimes they steal stuff and it's kind of intentional. And then sometimes they steal it and it's kind of like, oh, you know, I didn't I didn't even think about that. Or I didn't, I didn't know that was yours.
Terra Bohlmann (35:29): Like, cause they weren't listening or whatever reason or just, they, it got implanted as their own idea. So that happens. And sometimes you with a normal conversation and a healthy relationship and friendship, it's easy to talk that through. So, but if you feel it just continues to be intentional warning, sign, time to break up with a bestie. When that breach of loyalty happens, they broke boundary or boundaries, your IP or other things are stolen. Or there's just that sense of shading us, which is like just something you feel. And you kind of have to like dig in a little bit further, but only you can decide when enough is enough and then you, and then you'll can tell it, continue to feel a certain way unless you make a change. Okay. The third warning sign that it's time to break up with your business. Bestie is when jealousy kicks in and you can insert jealousy.
Terra Bohlmann (36:23): I that's probably the most common one I've seen, but jealousy kicks in or insert any other emotion so that they continue. And it's like jealousy and it's, doesn't make you feel good. They cause you shame anger, sadness, guilt, all kinds of things. This is a sign that you are outgrowing each other. You, you don't need anyone holding you back. We do that enough in our own brains. And I mean, which I want to start changing more of, right. That we can talk to ourselves and be very kind about ourselves instead of feeling ashamed or guilty or whatever, because maybe you've gotten further along in your business than she has, or you know, something's happening on your side and she's not being supportive of it. I don't know. But remember what I said earlier around, it's practically impossible to be on the same trajectory as far as mindset and business growth and stuff goes.
Terra Bohlmann (37:21): So when one starts to rise up, if you can't a hundred percent be excited for her growth and jealousy starts to creep in, then Hey, the first thing you should do is say, okay, if I'm feeling jealous, it's not really about her or anyone else. It's really about what is this saying to me? Right. We'll always look internal first. And cause I say that, cause I, I have friends that are like way more successful than me. And like, you know, and they're like excited to host at $150,000 launch, whatever, or made, you know, a hundred thousand this month or, you know, I've got friends that do multi multi-millions a year and it's like, they're excited now. And you know, and I found myself sometimes being a little jelly and I'm like, what does that mean? What's coming up for me on that. And it's like, because I know my potential, you know, and I used to negative soft self-talk to myself so bad.
Terra Bohlmann (38:12): Like, I'd be like, oh Terra, like what? You're smarter than that's like, what? You know, blah, blah, blah. And like, you know, why are you taking so long? Or you know, all this like negative self-talk, which is getting programmed in my own unconscious mind. That's like, oh, okay. I got to continue to like prove itself in the real world. So now instead of the negative self-talk, if I'm feeling jealous or insert emotion, guilty, you know, type of thing, whatever, it's like, I'm going to say you're doing a good job, Terra. You know what, if that's close to your, if, if that's happening to your friends, it's so close to you right now, it's coming to you. That's what my one friend and I Megan and I say, Ooh, it's coming our way. That's really, really cool. And I say that because I don't want you to play small on anything.
Terra Bohlmann (38:59): And remember what Jim Rohn says, he's like one of my favorites, how can you not love Jim Roan? But he says, you're the average of the top five people that you spend the most time with make it count, right? Make it count if you're the average of the top five people that you spend the most time with and when you're spending time with people and whether they're jealous of you and your success, and then they're making you feel guilty because you're, you know, or you're feeling it or whatever, it's time to change up the average. You know, you want to increase your average. So you want to change the top five people you're spending the most time with. Okay. So that's another way it can show up. It might be a warning sign and that's okay. People come into our lives for a reason or a season.
Terra Bohlmann (39:46): And some of my cases, it was literally only for a season, but they've taught me so much and I'm forever grateful about that. And sometimes it is for a reason, like, you know, my friend Kelly, who will like, she's just, we have an amazing relationship where she can tell me exactly how it is. And she tells me the thing. Sometimes I don't want to hear and I do the same for her. And then we just like, oh, but we're just have so much gratitude towards that dynamic. And it's, it's brilliant. All right. So say, so just to recap, three warning signs that it's time to break up with a business bestie biz bestie is you're having an equal exchange of value and there's some resentment there. You have a breach of loyalty, maybe a stealing of some of your work or something, or there's broken boundaries or a boundary, or the third thing, jealousy, shame, guilt, any type of emotion keeps coming up.
Terra Bohlmann (40:44): Whether, and it could, could be most likely if it's for them that then you can't control that. Remember we can only control how we feel, but if it's for you, you can always go internal and go, what does this mean to me? This is a gift. I'm feeling this emotion, why I want to dig in on that. And then you've simply just outgrown each other and it's time to quit holding each other back. Right. So how do you break up with a business bestie? That's like, that's, you know, I've had to work through some of my clients on how to do this as well. And this is, it's fairly simple. I want to share the strategy with you. You, you have to bless and release and there's two ways to do it. One is you, they, you have to get them out of your life, completely just cold Turkey, right?
Terra Bohlmann (41:31): That's the one way, the second way is they can have a different role in your life, but just not out front and you get to choose and drive this. And unfortunately I've had a couple biz besties that are the option one, which they just had to be out of my life, completely vice versa, which I'm the best came in for a season type of thing. Right. And then I've had others that you I've, they just are play a different role in my life. Now it's not this Outfront, like thing, you know, you have these like friends who you can literally not see for a year or even since high school. And like just pick it up and like, just catch up, like, like no time has passed. Like those are my favorite friends. Like the low-maintenance friend. I try to be a low-maintenance friend, that type of thing.
Terra Bohlmann (42:22): And I love my low maintenance friends. They're there when you need them vice versa. I'm there, but like life happens and we're not going to be ugly about it if I'm not calling you every day. Right. It's just, it's too exhausting. We're all in busy times in our lives. And it just needs to be that equal exchange of value. Right. So blessing and releasing. So say you have a biz bestie and you're like, oh yup, Terra, okay. Like I'm filling one or two or three of these warning signs. So what do you do? The first thing I want you to do is to reach out to them. So you're not going to do this while you're in the moment and in anger or you're in resentment or you're angry or sad or whatever emotion may be coming up, calm down from that. And then I want you to pull out your journal, a piece of paper notebook, grab your phone, whatever, and tell yourself I am going to have a five minute conversation with this person.
Terra Bohlmann (43:21): Just a five minute conversation. This was a strategy I actually learned in the corporate world. Cause you know, when I was in the consulting world and whatnot, sometimes you had to have really difficult conversations with clients that were paying millions of dollars and something had happened. And you just got to have the conversation it's communication. Right. So I would draft it out or, you know, and my last couple of conversations was just like, you know, here's where I'm, I want to make sure I get these points across right in this five minute conversation. And you have to be okay with how you want the conversation to end up. Are you okay with, if, if she can't accept this and this and my truth and my feelings and my heart on all lists, then I'm okay. If we're just done and we're out of each other's lives completely.
Terra Bohlmann (44:10): That's kind of the ideal knowing, cause that's always the quote unquote worst case scenario. So you want to think through that, if you're okay with that. Cool. If not, it's like, okay, well, you know, what's the ideal, what do you want from this conversation? You know maybe you just, rather than talking every day or this or that, you just want to have, like, you want to play a different role in each other's that type of thing. So always think with the end in mind. So we want to think through how this is going to end up, make sure your points, because in case things either turn emotional or, you know, you're nervous or whatever, you'll have your notes to go from. So it's takes this conversation to break up with a business. Bestie takes some, pre-planning not tons, but just some pre-planning and self-reflection so after you do that, then you're the next step is going to be, you're going to send them an email or text, which is hi, Steve.
Terra Bohlmann (45:03): I was wondering if you had some time to talk, I have something I want to share with you. Or I have something on my heart that I want to share with you or something like that. Keep it super simple, like two sentences max. And you can ask, maybe it's like, do you have time tomorrow? Do you have time tonight? Do you have time? We, you let me know when you have time, that type of thing, knowing you're going to just have this five minute conversation and it's done. So a couple things will happen. So on the receiver side, she's going to go, holy crap. What's up like, oh, did I do something? Is she mad at me? Is, you know, and it's like, it's okay. That, that play, that scenario plays out. You know, like if you say, oh, can you talk on Saturday? And it's Monday, like, it's kinda mean the, you know, keep a friend like wondering and like sick to her stomach around what's going on around this conversation.
Terra Bohlmann (45:54): So you get to decide, you know, maybe you need, you know, a to process that or something or whatever, but you're going to let them know that you need to have a conversation with them about something that's been on your heart for a while. You can say it like that, but that's it. And when can they talk or can you talk tomorrow or can you talk tonight or do you have time in an hour? You can put the timeframe on it and they'll be like, yes. You know, is everything okay? You know, like they may like spill like whatever emotion they're feeling and whatnot and you know, and you could just pick out talk tomorrow, you know, whatever. So, or whenever your timeframe is, so then you get on the phone, right. And you have your notes. Cause you've, pre-thought this out. And you know, and you just take the, start the conversation with, you know, what, you know, this has been on my mind, you know, there's just something that's felt out of alignment, you know?
Terra Bohlmann (46:45): And you can just kind of speak your heart and give space for her to also speak hers and whatnot. And then you want to have like a common objective of how things are going to continue, right? Like whether it's, you know, and you want to take ownership for everything you did bad in this too. Like it could be, you know, I didn't realize I had this boundary around referring you over and over again and not getting anything back in return. I'm just curious why, like you maybe never refer me or whatever. That was one example. So it's like, or it could just be, you know, I feel like I'm always talking to you and helping, you know, get you out of situations and you're not taking my advice. So then we're continuing to have the same conversations every day. And you know, I just don't know if like this is working anymore or whatever.
Terra Bohlmann (47:40): So it's like, you can just speak your heart from your notes, give her time to S you know, speak up as well. And if it's a mature, healthy relationship, that's supposed to be savored, then you'll have that adult relationship. And, you know, thank you, thank you. All right. You know, I'll talk to you next week or whatever, right. Or sometimes it can get emotional. And then it's like, you know, I didn't do it. You know, whatever, you'll start to, you'll learn very quickly where things are on whether on her side. Cause you've thought it out, you know, she, you may even say, you know what, I've been thinking about this for a while and kind of wanting to have this conversation with you. I know I'm springing this on you. I want you to like, feel free to take some time. And let's, you know, let's talk maybe in a few days and see like what we, and that's what I did, you know, even with my former business bestie as well.
Terra Bohlmann (48:32): And then we ended up talking again and it just, it was like Groundhog's day. Right. It was just like, it just wasn't moving. And a lot of denial and all kinds of stuff. And I was that's when it just got ugly and she hung up on me and whatever. So it's just one of these things. It's like, you'll, you'll know how it is, but it's a hard conversation, but it can just be five minutes. And then if it doesn't go the way you wanted it to go, that's okay. Like, you know, it's, it's at least Don you've said your truth. You can then start the grieving process and move on and make space for the right friends to be in your life. And now you have a lesson and things too, right? You don't know, you have strong boundaries around something. You can then invite in who you want to be in your life.
Terra Bohlmann (49:21): So in my case, like, you know, broke up with the biz bestie and I sat with it for awhile. I was like, you know what, like, what is going on? Why do I, why does this keep repeating and my life? And it was like, okay, well then maybe I should just not have a biz bestie. And to this day I still won't. I have amazing business friends and non-business friends, but like, I'm not going to go down this path with the one person anymore. I mean, I'm married to my husband. Like, you know, that's, of course I'm committed to that. And you know, my kids and stuff like that. But like when something was feeling like it just wasn't feeling good anymore. It's like we have the ability to make that change. So that's kind of how you can go about doing it. And I think getting to a point where it's, it might fill up, it feels freeing.
Terra Bohlmann (50:08): And I tell my clients as to when they have like difficult customers, usually your difficult customers are the ones that pay the least and expect the most. And they, if they're nasty or mean, or just high maintenance and this and that, you can give them a soft landing, which is let's, we're going to end this relationship. Let me three people, I think, would be a better fit for you, that type of thing. And then you have space to have in the next person, someone recently, I think it was my friend, Megan was telling me, Marianne Williamson also gives this analogy of like, if there's a train in the station, there's no room for another train to come in. If it's docked in the station, the train needs to go. And then that leaves room for the next. And I think that's how we can kind of see this whole concept of biz besties as well.
Terra Bohlmann (50:55): If it's not working for you, you have to make a change, right? If it is working for you. Awesome. I hope that this episode gives some awareness to some things. And if you didn't know what a biz bestie is, know that there's this whole thing that's out there happening where people think that they're really working together to rise up together. But you know, in a lot of cases, they're, you're capping out your potential or maybe their pet capping out on their potential because they want to keep you comfortable too. So it's the same reason when family you go and you open your business and you think all your family's going to support you and they just don't see you like that, or they want you to, they want you to be safe. And sometimes biz besties, when you get down these relationships, it, they don't want you to change, right, because it's comfortable.
Terra Bohlmann (51:43): And we have to always be thinking, what can we do to push, you know, push the boundaries a little bit up on ourselves so that we can continue to grow. And I think that's a large part of it. So I hope this episode was interesting for you and that you kind of thinking about some things I maybe having some reframes around some things, and you know, whether you need to break up with a biz bestie or just kind of have that awareness of some things, just so you don't get caught up in something that will really take you off track and hurt you down the long run. It's I hope my vulnerability and my stance on this is is just a new perspective for you. That's my main goal for this. So until next time take care. Bye.
Outro (52:34): And there you have it. Another jam packed episode of the fast-track woman podcast, don't forget to visit Terra Bohlmann.com where you can get more business tips and strategies learn how we can work together to accelerate your business success or access this podcast. Episodes, show notes with a full transcript and links to resources mentioned today. And if you enjoyed this podcast, I invite you to leave a review so that we can help serve more women business owners to like you until next time here's to owning your time and valuing your word.
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