Episode #75: How to Prioritize Your Marriage, Your Home Life, and Still Crush Your Business Goals with Monica Tanner
The Fast-Track Woman Podcast: Episode #75
How to Prioritize Your Marriage, Your Home Life, and Still Crush Your Business Goals with Monica Tanner
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Meet Podcast Guest, Monica Tanner.
I'm Monica Tanner, married to my best friend, boss mom to 4 small humans, weekly podcaster at On the Brighter Side ~Marriage For Entrepreneurs and relationship and intimacy Sexpert. I get it, entrepreneurship and marriage are HARD...they both take work. There are lots of ups and downs and sometimes it all just feels like TOO MUCH. But can I let you in on a little secret? It's easier than you might think...you may just need some simple, time-saving, life-saving skills and strategies. That's where I come in...
I firmly believe that there are no two people on planet earth who love each other more than me and my husband and I would love to help you believe that about your own marriage as well. I help Passionate Female Entrepreneurs prioritize their marriage while crushing their business goals through a system called Sexpionage. My goal is to help you embrace your sexuality and gain courage, confidence, commitment, communication, conflict resolution and connection skills enabling you to create a marriage that supports your business and a business that supports your marriage. I'm here to help!
About this Podcast Episode.
In this episode, Terra Bohlmann interviews Monica Tanner, podcast host of "On the Brighter Side of Marriage" and expert on Marriage for Entrepreneurs, about how to prioritize your marriage/relationship, your home life while still crushing your business goals. Running a business can be hard enough. Often times, when we are not on the same page as our significant other, it can cause a lot of stress and uncertainty. Monica shares strategies on how to best balance it all so that both you and your partner feel fully understood and supported.
Resources, Tools, and Links Mentioned in this Episode.
- Apply for your complimentary Fast-Track Session with Terra HERE.
Read and Download the Transcript for this Episode.
Intro (00:01): When you give smart women a five-year plan, simple business strategies and a positive mindset. It's amazing how fast your business can grow. Welcome to the fast track woman podcast with your host and business strategist, Terra Bohlmann. She helps women business owners stop winging it and board the fast track to success. When she's not making high flying dreams, the reality you can find her traveling to random destinations, desperately tracking down Chanel, broaches, or sipping overpriced coffee drinks. Her purpose in life is to help you build a profitable first-class business, smooth out the bumpy ride, and finally have more time, energy and freedom. So buckle your seatbelt because this episode of the fast track woman takes off right now. Welcome back to the fast-track woman podcast. I'm so excited to talk to an expert
Terra Bohlmann (01:01): For today. That is all about helping with relationships. So as women entrepreneurs, we know that, you know, sometimes we don't have all the support we need from our significant other. So, and I'll get to be a hundred percent transparent and anything she asked me is always on the table. So what we know is when we have this passion and a lot of us are in business because we have a passion we need to, we want to feel supported by our spouse. So we're going to talk to Monica Tanner today. Who's an expert in this and I'm so excited to hear what she has to say. She married her best friend. And as a boss, mom to four small humans, she herself is a podcaster and the per podcast is on the brighter side. So she is amazing and skilled at being able to talk about all things, relationships, she completely gets it.
Terra Bohlmann (01:56): She gets entrepreneurship marriage and they're hard and they both take work. So she knows there's a lot of ups and downs. And sometimes it just all feels like too much, but she's going to share with us some awesome secrets on today's podcast. So it's easier than you think she says. So you know, we just need some simple time-saving lifesaving skills and strategies, and that's where she comes in. She firmly believes that no two people on the planet who love each other more than herself and her husband, and she would love to help others believe that about your own marriage too. She helps passionate female entrepreneurs prioritize their marriage while crushing their business goals through a system called sex. Panaj can't wait to hear about that. So let's just dig right in and welcome to the podcast. Monica Tanner, happy to have you. How are you so happy to be here? I'm doing fantastic. Awesome. So I'm just going to start with like the typical podcast question is how did you get into the space? I'm so curious.
Monica Tanner (03:04): Well, I mean, I don't know where you want me to start, but I've always been obsessed with marriages since I was very young. My parents divorced when I was about 12. And so I became just very obsessed with this question. What makes a marriage strong and lasting? And then also kind of my coping mechanism was to be perfect, right? So I like thought I had to earn love. And so I was really good at school and really good at sports. And like, I just felt like I had to be really good at everything. And so kind of the second question that marked my life was like, what does it mean to be successful? So eventually I, I tried a couple of times to go to graduate school, to become a marriage and family counselor. And I dropped out both times because I did not want to be a therapist.
Monica Tanner (03:48): And the more I learned about it, the more I knew I did not want to be a therapist because I felt like I could keep couples out of the therapy office by teaching them some really simple tools and strategies. And so what happened was the second time I dropped out of graduate school, I got really depressed because I was like, Oh, I have this message inside of me, right. This passion. I want to help people so bad, but I don't know how to get it out there. And I was like, thinking, maybe I'd write a book, but then I got really scared. Cause I was like, I don't have any credentials. Like why would anyone believe me? Right. So I had, luckily I had an incredible neighbor and friend who had a podcast and he was like, you should start a podcast. And I was like, Oh my gosh, you know, have no idea what I would say, no idea what I would talk about. And he was like, just start talking and you'll find your voice. And so that's exactly what I did. I started talking about the things I was super passionate about, which is marriage and success. And after three years of this podcast, it all just kind of beautifully came together into this business that I love, which is helping, like you said, passionate female entrepreneurs prioritize their marriage and their home life, but also crushed their business goals.
Terra Bohlmann (05:02): Love it. I love it. So why do you think, like, what is it about, and I'm, I'm a fellow high achiever you know, I'm a recovering perfectionist as well. It's interesting. I like, I'm just trying to, I want to draw a parallel to your story and mine. It was like very much the same. Like if I had to do good in school, this and that, I want to make my parents proud. I'm going to make my teachers proud. Like I, and I'm the oldest right. Of three, two or three kids. So it's like, whatever, you gotta do all the things. But when it came to marriage and like relationships, I didn't settle. Like, I mean, I was like, Hey, this is the way it is. It's like, yeah, this is who I am. You know, are you you're in or you're out. And I didn't, you know, but I did have this pattern where I would like date somebody for a year.
Terra Bohlmann (05:48): And then at the year anniversary, my, my mom would be like, where are you guys going? You know? And I'd be like, Oh, we're going to go out to eat. It's our one year anniversary. And then she'd go tick tock. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she's like, you always break up with them right after one year. And I'm like, I do. And she's like, yeah, it's like a pattern. And she's like, and I need you to know that when you date somebody and they're like in our lives, like, I love them too. And you can't just break up with them. And so my pattern was, you know you know, date, the nice guy, you know, whatever. But then after one year, like I, all of a sudden felt too like commitment for me. And I would, I would like break up with them and move on and then do another year.
Terra Bohlmann (06:30): And then, then I kept repeating that pattern until I think I had a three-year boyfriend and then met my husband. So, yeah. So it was like, I love that what you said, because it was very like, Oh my gosh, like that was totally me. So that's probably a lot of women entrepreneurs who struggle from that. Like we, you know, we're kind of wired the same. So in your opinion, based on, you know, our, just not even your opinion, but like, based on the w you know, the women entrepreneurs you've worked with, like, what are the, what are the challenges that they're, they're coming to you with these days? Cause I know times have changed, right? Like things are different now. What do you see most happening right now?
Monica Tanner (07:10): Yeah. So what's really interesting is the pattern or trend that I'm seeing is so many people are going online with their businesses. Right. And it's hard. It's really hard to succeed with an online business. And then regardless of what everyone will tell you, right. All the gurus out there, like make a course or, you know,
Terra Bohlmann (07:29): Yeah. Go to bed and you have a million dollars in your bank account. It's really interesting how that happens overnight. Yeah.
Monica Tanner (07:35): We'll make it sound so easy and rewarding and you can change the world with your message and, you know, you can do it like everybody, you know, has this inside of them, which I am not disagreeing with. However, it is very challenging, not only to succeed with an online business, but also to carve out this space for, especially for women, because, you know, we are typically the primary caregivers. We, you know, do a lot of the housework. And even if our spouses are supportive of that, when you go into this online business space, it's not like you're getting a paycheck, there's a lot more, you know, energy and time and financial resources that go into building a business online. And what you're doing is you're taking from, you know, the time that you would spend on your home and on your family and on your spouse.
Monica Tanner (08:34): Right. And there becomes a lot of resistance a lot, a lot of times, a lot of time I hear, you know, spouses are like, just get a real job or, yeah, I think I heard that a few times. Yeah. A lot of I've heard it so many times. Right. And and that becomes really hard. And then also there's like all this stress and that we put on ourselves when we feel guilty, like I'm spending all this time on this thing and you know, my kids are suffering. My spouse are suffering. And like what I've learned and what I help women understand is that by developing themselves in this way, they are really blessing their families so much. And even through the challenges they're teaching, if, if they do it correctly, if they learn these skills, they're teaching their family so much, it goes so far beyond the financial benefit of, of having your own business. But they're teaching them, you know, that you can succeed at something that you can have confidence that failure isn't final, like all of these different gifts and blessings that you really are giving to your family, if you'll stick with it. And if you learn the skills of sex be app, which I'm sure we'll talk about you learn how to navigate these conversations and the, you know, these different friction points with your spouse. Who's like, what the hell is going on here?
Terra Bohlmann (09:54): Yeah, absolutely. I mean we talked a little bit before we started recording and I shared my story around, you know, I came from a corporate consulting background and making, you know, mid six figures doing like great. And, but I always promise myself if I just started to not love what I do on a regular basis. And I worked in a very male dominated industry as well. And, you know, and it was like, I just found myself becoming more like, well, if I act like them, then maybe they'll accept me as part of the group and you know, in this and this and that. And I became the, I was branded, give it to Terra, she'll get it done. Right. And then I found out they would go golfing or go to the bar and I would just be like, and what, you know?
Terra Bohlmann (10:36): And then all these little things started happening to me to make me go like this isn't quite what I felt like I was built for, if I'm going to spend at that time, it was probably 60 hours a week working. I want to like, know what I'm doing has some purpose and impact and whatnot. I started reading a bunch of books, like all the books start with why, you know, like tons of, you know and my husband like saw this and was like, what's going on? I'm like, I need to write a book. And, you know, I gotta, like, I have all this, I gotta share with women. I gotta tell them all the secrets, you know? And he's like, okay. And then, so I ended up going part-time and being pickier about some of the engagements that I worked on from the consulting standpoint.
Terra Bohlmann (11:16): Cause then I started to change my mindset. Like, well, Hey, rather than being an employee, I want to learn what I need to learn so that when I'm building this business, like I'm getting essentially paid to also learn. And so I did that for a little while where I worked part-time and then, but meanwhile, like my husband never was like, Oh, well we lived a lifestyle at a dual income, you know, type of thing. And then my income went almost in half because I was working part-time, but we still maintain the standard of living and he didn't want to come tell me and be like like we need to change up some things. Right. So that's kind of, so then he started feeling this anxiety around providing, and then like, what is she doing? Like, I all, I know she works in the office till midnight and she's stressed.
Terra Bohlmann (12:01): And did she shower today? Right. Like trying to get this stuff going and for what? Like, are these women paying her or what's going on? And you know, and then when I made the big cut over, it was like, I've really, you know, sadly enough, I, now that I think about it, I don't even think I had a conversation with him about it. I just did it. Like, it was like, no, this is what I need to do. It's just, I'm on autopilot with like my, my purpose right now. And so meanwhile, he's trying to be supportive, but he didn't know how, and he's like, are you going back? Like, what's going on? Cause you know, he was so financial heavy and I'm just like loving life because I'm finally in with my people, you know? And it just happened, you know, for a year, a couple of years, this went back and forth and I was like, then it's like, you don't support me.
Terra Bohlmann (12:44): And it's like, what do you want me to do? I guess I have been supporting you like financially. Right. and once I started making more money and I got to the six figures and whatever, and my business, he eased up a bit, but it didn't mean that I was replacing the salary. I brought to the table before. And we just finally, it was like we had to see a therapist and it was like, she was our saving grace and everything. And yeah, so I was spell my entire guts out there. So I mean, is what happened to me like was, is that you probably hear that a lot. Right.
Monica Tanner (13:17): Was so, so common. I mean, I think one of the first and most important things I could tell people when they come to me as like, that's so normal, like it's so part of it, right? Like I almost think it's part of the challenge and process of growing into who you're going to become as an entrepreneur to go through all of that. Right. And to be into, to learn what it takes to be able to navigate all that. Because it's just part of the process. It's part of the growing, I don't think until, because part of what you had to go through, I feel like is to believe in yourself when nobody else did your primary support. Right? Your, your spouse, your best friend, like supposed to think that you're amazing. And can do anything you put your mind to right. Is like, what in the heck are you doing? Right. So you have, I feel like you have to be in that place where nobody knows what you're doing. Nobody believes in you, but you believe so strongly in what you're doing, that you can stand on that for a while.
Terra Bohlmann (14:25): Oh, that's good. Yeah.
Monica Tanner (14:28): And then the next step, which comes up pretty quickly, even before you complete the first step is you have to be able to share your dreams with your spouse so that they can become invested. Even if they don't understand it, if they're not entrepreneurial and they don't see the vision that you see, you have to be able to share it, vulnerably with them. Because if you can't share your dreams, if you can't say them out loud, if you're waiting to be successful or waiting for that first paycheck, right. Then you're not really believing in yourself. So you have to put it out there, even though it's super, super scary. So those are like kind of the first two steps. And then every, and I feel like it's necessary. That's a necessary part of the process.
Terra Bohlmann (15:16): See, like 12 years ago when I started this journey was about 10 now, 11 years ago. It would have been nice to have someone like you in my corner. Okay. Like I thought I was like, Whoa, like not only are you a lone ranger? Cause you're like becoming a woman business owner, but like this whole, and it didn't fester right away. It's just kind of like became a slow boil right. Where it was like, and then finally, you know, in my case it was, and which is funny because really the tipping point for all of this as what is my entire business model now. And he's just like, what, what's going on? Like, what are you doing, blah, blah, blah. You know? And cause I was a one-on-one coach. I was just did one-on-one coaching at 30 clients a month, you know, very low cost, high volume, like boom, boom, boom.
Terra Bohlmann (16:01): And I was exhausted. And so I was like, you know what, this whole coaching thing, like, it was great. It made good money for a few years, but I'm maybe right. I might need to go back and beg for my old job back. Right. And and he, you know, I was like, then we went on vacation. Our therapist specifically said, don't talk about any of this, just go on your trip, enjoy it, figured out when you come home. So of course we went to Thailand and it was like, it was amazing. Right. And we instantly relaxed. And when you relax, you can like open up like, Hey, you know, like this is, and he's just like, you know, I'd like to just see a plan. I would love to see what the heck you're doing. And I'm like, okay, well, you know, I can think about, let me think about that.
Terra Bohlmann (16:41): And so I started even like drafting up some things there. And then when I got home, I just went crazy, like, and totally treated myself like my own best client, you know? And I was just like, boom, boom, boom, sticky notes. And I created a, at that time it was probably like a 40 page plan or whatever, and presented it to him. Like he was like the, you know, the customer, I was doing like a sales pitch and he's like, this works and it, and it caused me to go, how can I take what feels like burned out. One-On-One coaching into a more scalable model anyway. And so I created an, I called it a business map and then I was like, you know what, maybe more women need this. So then I went to some friends I'm like, do you want me to do this for you?
Terra Bohlmann (17:19): Like, yeah. And then my other friend's like, Hey, can you do 10 of these for my clients? How much will you charge me? And that's really what born the business map was due to me having to like, you know, sell my husband. I'm what the heck I was even doing. Like how crazy is that? You know, that I love that. I always tell women, I'm like, Hey, I'm going to give you the map, but more importantly, give this to your spouse and sh and let him see what that you have a plan. Right. And this is how it's all gonna work and where they can fit in. And
Monica Tanner (17:50): Something you said is so important because a lot of times resistance from our spouses comes from some place of either fear or lack of connection or something from them. Right. And so for him, it was, it sounds like it was a fear of, I just don't understand the plan. Like, what are you doing? Is there a plan,
Terra Bohlmann (18:08): Right? You being
Monica Tanner (18:11): Able to show him like, this is the plan, like going through that for yourself. And then being able to show him was so valuable and connecting for both of you. So
Terra Bohlmann (18:20): It was, it was so good. And, you know, and there was a lot of fear with him, you know, cause it's not, we have to, as women entrepreneurs, as you know, we got to work on our own money mindset stuff. Right. And then let alone, you've got a spouse what their own stories and you know, so that was really heavy. You know, as part of our stuff too. And I think now that I know it's more common than I thought it was like the lone ranger out there going, does anyone else dealing with like, this is, this is heavy and it holds us back because you know, we're trying to balance that and let alone the kids, you have three boys. It's like, my business became my fourth child. Right. And then you add a dog on top of it and you're just like, what did I do? What did I create here? Right.
Monica Tanner (19:04): True. And as far as like commonality, I mean, what I do was born out of my experience as well. Right? Like, I've always been, like you said, a high-achiever a go getter. Like I wanted to have this thing that was kind of mine. But then I met all of this resistance from my spouse. And so it's like all of my experience as well as kind of, what's gone into my framework and how I teach others, how to, how to navigate all of it. So yeah. I need love that. Like it's so common.
Terra Bohlmann (19:35): So I've worked with clients who, you know, have struggled with the same type of thing. And some of it is because their spouse, you know, cause we get into out, you know, I do mastermind. So when we go away for weekends, it's like a lot of things always come up and you know, and, and it's been more than once where someone's like, Hey, you know, my spouse came from a place of, you know, not feeling neglected because I was always doing this for him and this and this and that. And now all I care about is my business. And he's like pouting about it, you know? And I was like, Oh, I didn't have that experience, but I can see that being a thing too. Right? Like I want your attention.
Monica Tanner (20:16): I mean, it's a fear of loss or a fear of disconnection or, you know, typically it's or a fear of like, she doesn't know what she's doing or, you know, it's typically any type of resistance just comes from some place of fear. And so if we can get to the root of that and, and, and be able to meet, you know, your spouse, so, you know, in business, we always say, meet your, your customer or meet your, your client where they're at right game with our spouse. If we can figure out where they're coming from, meet them, where they're at so much of that can be solved.
Terra Bohlmann (20:52): So good. So good. So what would you say, like you said you had a framework, would you mind like sharing, you know, a high level? Like what the processes that you work with people on?
Monica Tanner (21:02): Yeah. So, so my framework is called training in the artist's sex Vietnam. Right. And so it's funny because you know, espionage is spying in line when you're lying to your enemies, right? Where is connecting and communicating with your spouse. So when you boil all of this down, you're partnering, that's more. So when you boil all of it down, it really is all about communication and connection mixed in there's courage, there's confidence, there's commitment, there's conflict resolution. I love acronyms and I love using seat. Well, those are all my C pillars. That's cool. And so trading in the artist's sex beyond really is the skills and the strategies that you're going to use to navigate any friction point that comes up between you and your spouse between yourself and yourself. When you're feeling guilty about all the time you're spending on your business between you and your customers, what's holding you back from freshing your goals, all of those things.
Monica Tanner (22:08): So it's just learning those skill sets. And I call them sexy enough, right? So like spies, you're not born with all of these extraordinary skills where you can, you know, maneuver through all of the lasers or whatever, right. You learn that you practice them. And so that is the, the, the strip skills and strategies that I teach. And they're just their relationship skills and strategies that you don't learn at school. And a lot of people don't learn growing up. But they're so important. And once you get them, it's pretty simple. Once you learn them, it's pretty simple, but you do have to practice like a spy would practice there, you know, different things. But the course that I've created, it's like missions. So it's really fun. So it's like a skill and then you go on a mission. And so that, that way, even if your spouse isn't involved, so it's always the best, right? When you're, when you and your spouse working together. But even if they're not, you can still present it to them in a really fun way. Like you've learned this thing and you're going to go on mission with him and like figure it out. So that's so fun.
Terra Bohlmann (23:17): You gave him a fight. It like, that's awesome.
Monica Tanner (23:19): It is really funny. You get badges.
Terra Bohlmann (23:22): I give that to high achievers all day long. I'll do anything for the badge. Yeah. That's so cool. Oh, that's I love that. That's a really cool framework. You know, from a quote, unquote, you know, went through this and then it took long, long time. I would like work with Monica because if you're dealing with this, because you know, she's going to be able to navigate you through. I had, we had to figure it out the hard, hard way. And then finally I was like, all right. So I have live events with women, right? Like,
Speaker 1 (23:57): Oh yeah. I've had, like, I think it's over. I feel like I got to the point where I was so ready to do it.
Terra Bohlmann (24:03): Oh yeah, totally. I so I've had, I think I, at one time, like when I counted, it was like I've done 150 live events where people paid to be in the room. Like I'm a live event, like person. That's why like during COVID and all this stuff, I had to then move my model online. So I would talk to my good friends who like, they're awesome online and they're killing it. And I'm like, I'm only, I've only done live. They're like, that scares the crap out of me. Like this is easy, you know? And I was like, okay, so it's just perspective. So I had to, I had to flip that model, but so I do live events and I have an annual event. And, and so I had like a hundred women in the room or whatever. And so I was like, you know what, honey?
Terra Bohlmann (24:42): You know, my husband, I was like why don't you come and like, see what I do. I think that will help. And, you know, for you to understand like what I'm doing, right. So he came to an event, he looked so cute. Like he's a corporate guy, but he, he took the day off because it was on a Friday. And he came to my event and assu and you know, and he's like the only guy there, I think I had one or two other sponsors in the room that were men, but he came in and like my husband's 64, I'm five foot one. And so the job, the juxtaposition is hilarious. So comes in, he says, hi to me. I was getting my hair and makeup done, whatever. And and then he goes out to the audience or whatever, and my MC is like, I'm going to have him introduce you before you come on stage.
Terra Bohlmann (25:23): And I was like, what? Like, you know, I, I, you know, I don't see him in his natural environment at his corporate job. So I'm like does he know how can he speak in front of people? I mean, of course it can, but like, what's he going to say, you know, the control freak kicks in, give them a script. And so she's like, Nope, she asked him a few questions. She like introed them in. And then he got up there for, you know, maybe five or seven minutes in front of the room, on the mic. And my heart's pounding. Cause I'm like, I don't know what he's gonna say. And and he, it was so amazing. And he was funny, you know, like, Hey, yeah, I didn't know that, you know, as an only man, I shouldn't go into the female like locker room and you know, like whatever to say hi to my wife and, you know, he got laughs and then, and then the best part was like, he started talking about you, Hey, when Terra first started this business, I didn't know how to support her.
Terra Bohlmann (26:15): And I didn't know what the heck she was doing. All I knew is she's reading all these books and, you know, he starts telling the story and and then introduced me. It was so great. I'm telling you, when you get to the point where your husband does support you, there was no like sex Vonage. All of a sudden you're like, there's nothing he is, was still so sexy to me because he did that. Right. And publicly basically said how proud he was. And then I went to the bathroom and all these women rushed and I'm like, what are the or notes? They would run up to him and go, what books was it? And he's like, I don't know. So they'd be like, what books did you read? You know, they all want to know the books that like, you know, help define this purpose and, and whatever. And then everyone went up to him was like, Oh, I learned so much from your wife. And so there was no greater thing than just to throw your husband in an immersive immerse, immersive experience and just let him like participate. And he was such a trooper. But to this day, like that still, I can think of that memory right now. And it's like, there's nothing sexier in my life than when he did that. Right. But we went through a path to get there. Like,
Monica Tanner (27:20): That's so cool. I love that. And I think it's beautiful that he got to see the impact you're having on these women. Right? Like that you're born to do that. Like it's inside of you. I think that was really helpful for my husband too. Like for me to be able to share like some DNS or for him to see some of these emails of people who like, literally, you know, are like that, like that one principle you taught changed my life. Right. Or whatever. Right. He sees that. Right. And so then what's really cool about that is because for so long, you know, many of us have to stand on the moon. You have to be like, I believe in this, you don't have to, I'm going to succeed. Right. But then there's those, it's like all of a sudden now when there's those moments like, ah, maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
Monica Tanner (28:07): This is really hard. Right. Once you've had those experiences, then it's like, he's like, no, you can't stop. This is hard. And right now I can, you know, definitely like be a little bit more vulnerable. And I think it's really important to, I teach that too. Like you have to be vulnerable with your insecurities. You have to be vulnerable with all of these things. Right. But it helps after you've had that experience of like them seeing what you really do, then you can get vulnerable with like, I don't know what I'm doing and give you
Terra Bohlmann (28:43): This. I'm going to be your coach in the corner. Yeah. No that's so that's like definitely the other side. Right? So it's like, if you are sitting here listening to this going, well, that's never going to happen for me. I don't know. You know, like I want to talk about what does it look like and feel like for women right now that are at the beginning, you know, like at the start of, you know, he's not supporting me, he's like rolling his eyes. If I say, I have to hop on a conference call or, you know, like, what are the signs that you know, that women are experiencing now that would make them, if they don't do something about it, they're going to stay on this trajectory of way too much pain. What's like, what do you see happens at the beginning now that we know what the end can look and feel like, tell us about the beginning.
Monica Tanner (29:31): Yeah. So, so interesting. The way you asked that question, actually, I, I love it because the first thing I like I like to do is to help people understand that it's okay. Like, like it's not the worst thing to feel like your spouse is unsupportive, right? Because typically there is a reason and a good reason that your spouse isn't supportive. Like if they didn't care, that would be more troubling to me than if they were like worried or the resistance in your spouse shows up in a lot of different ways. It's typically, there's only a few things that cause it, but it can show up in a lot of different ways, like rolling their eyes. When you have to get on a conference call, we're getting when you know, something didn't get done or, you know, so it can, it can manifest in a lot of ways, but typically it's only a few things that are really at the root cause of it.
Monica Tanner (30:28): So the first thing we need to do is understand that it's a sign of a healthy relationship. If your spouse is kind of freaking out about and cares, right. Yeah. It means they care. So we don't. So the first thing we want to do is reframe this from like, this is really bad. They're unsupportive and maybe the marriage isn't going to work to this is okay. He's concerned because he cares. Right. And so that first mindset shift is really, really kind of pivotal and being like, okay, we can work with this. This is a spouse that cares. And even if, you know, it's, it looks like he's getting all the time or it looks like, you know, it might, it is definitely okay. We can work with it. Right. And so the other thing that you've said, hold on, let me think for a second.
Monica Tanner (31:17): Cause you said, what you said was really interesting is if we don't deal with it, it can go, right? Yeah. Get worse. So yeah. So it is just so once we we've like changed our mindset and gone, okay, this is okay. And when they understand that they don't ever have to choose between their dedication to their family and their passion for their message. Like they can have it all, like that's huge to understand. It's huge to understand that you can actually be a stellar wife, a stellar mom, all the things and this incredibly successful business person like that is possible. People do it all the time. Right. so, so you can have it all your spouse being unsupportive is, is a good thing. And now we just learn the skills to kind of turn this around in the beautiful thing about it is your spouse doesn't have to change like you are doing all of the changes, all of the adjusting, you're doing all of the understanding, the compassion, the understanding and they're just being themselves. So that's like, I teach these laws, right? And the third law is that your spouse's responsibility is to be 100% themselves and you are in. But the beautiful thing about marriage is it's a dynamic. So you can't change without changing the dynamic. So you, you know, there's two parts of it. And a lot of people are like, ah, I'm trying to change my spouse. I'm trying to make them support it. I'm trying to make them do these things. And they get really frustrated because that's not a good way to change the dynamic.
Terra Bohlmann (33:00): That was me as a control freak to
Monica Tanner (33:02): Change you, change your, when you change yourself, as you actually do have control over yourself, the whole dynamic changes. And it's really incredible frustrating when you're working on something that you actually have control over it.
Terra Bohlmann (33:16): Gosh, that's such an aha. Monica. Like honestly, it was like, I wish I had known that like 11 years ago. I wish I would've known that before I started my business. It was like, you can't control anyone in your family. Like you can't control anyone. You can control you and your thoughts and the way that you react to it. And you know, I mean, and in my husband's case, he'll know, he'll never listen to this podcast, which is good. But you know, it's like in his case it was more, you know, our spouses want us to be safe and comfortable. And when they see us going through this, I'm going to start a business and like all this uncertainty, and then you layer in like, Oh, and you're barely paying yourself. Or maybe in some cases, you're not paying yourself and why are you doing this?
Terra Bohlmann (34:00): And you know, that starts getting in our head and they, but at the end of the day, they just want us to be safe. It's the same thing. When you tell your close friends and family, you're starting a business and you're thinking I'm going to buy from you. And they don't. They're like, who are you? Like, I don't know you like that. So I think that's really powerful. Like if there's any takeaway from this entire conversation, it's, don't try to control them and change their mind instead. It's what community, these are great communication things. Listen, and then change your behavior. Like we can control that. Oh, brilliant. I have one other question I want to ask you. That's kind of like, this is just to me, I'm like an old, I am a big observer of things in the world and re like dynamics, I'm getting my NLP certification.
Terra Bohlmann (34:47): Like, and this is something I find so interesting. And I'm sure you've maybe noticed it and you might have some insight, but I have noticed, so, okay. You go through the thing where husband usually provider to a lot of the times, you know, some cases ours, we will actually, Dewald like, who would make more that year? And he's like, I love this competition, you know, it's like, but you know, it was like this thing, cause we're both competitive. It's like, Oh, I beat you by 12,000 because I got a bonus and you did it hot and you're, but it all is so stupid. Right. It all went to the family. So it didn't matter. And you know, so we would do that. And then it was like, he was, you know, mega provider, then woman, all of a sudden starts making more. Right. And then you see the dynamic shift.
Terra Bohlmann (35:30): Like I hear so many women that say, I just want to retire my husband. I want to whatever. And then their husband, and then they come work with them at their company. But then now this woman is like, maybe you're just different. You could have always been like super empowered and whatever. But in my case, I wasn't, you know, I was a great corporate employee. But I was very traditional in my views of marriage and whatever. And it's like, but then you start getting empowered and we change over the years. So now I see all these like empowered women that their husbands work for them. So it's such a role reversal right. Of like they were surviving. And I often wonder, like, what does the men think? Like what, how are they feeling? You know, now that the quote unquote power shifted. And yeah. Do you see, do you see the trend of like more and more women making multi-millions in their business and their husbands going to work for them? So then their boss him around all day, and then it's like, I don't know how that translates in the bedroom and what's going on. And the man was the provider. Now he's a nurture. It's just so intriguing to me. What, what's your thoughts on all that?
Monica Tanner (36:38): Yeah. Well, I think every relationship is different and it's so important to establish patterns of communication before you get to that big role reversal because all along the way. And I think as you've seen, as your business has changed and your relationship has changed, you're basically renegotiating this, the the terms of service. Yeah, exactly. Who's going to do what who's responsible for, what who's gonna, you know, all of these different things that you're constantly renegotiating. And so I think that it's really important that when you change the dynamics of the system, that you come up with, something that's meaningful for both of you. So if your husband is not going to thrive in the working for his, you know, being retired and working for his spouse framework, then don't retire your spouse, like exactly. Right. It's just really important to understand yourself, be constantly like, you know, how am I doing, how am I going to be in this dynamic? Right. And leave a lot of space for both of you to grow because some systems can grow and change and handle all of that. And some systems really can't, but it's important to understand how you are, how your spouse is, how they feel about beings and make sure that you're negotiating in a way that is meaningful and important to both of you.
Terra Bohlmann (38:06): Oh, love it. Yeah. I guess it's just kind of a, it's just, it's fascinating. Cause we don't know the conversations and the dynamics of people. We like to me, I saw that happen a bit with like Rachel Hollis and her husband and like, you know, what, whatever, how that transpired
Monica Tanner (38:22): When you said that. Right?
Terra Bohlmann (38:24): Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, she's one example and I have multiple friends that have done it as well. And it's like I know for me, because I've seen, you know, I I've kind of pictured this and my husband and I have talked about it, but it's like you know, we have mutual like real estate. We invest in real estate. It's more of his passion than mine, but you know, it's whatever, like he makes as much as he can. I contribute. And then like we buy real estate and it multiplies, whatever is part of our investment strategy. And so like I couldn't ever quote unquote retire him and have him work in my company because we know it just wouldn't be good for us. But instead if it was like, great, if he didn't have to go to a corporate job, which he loves his corporate job, but if he didn't have to, he would just go and like do the real estate thing, you know? So I always wonder why they bring them in to the company, you know? That's just, I don't know, just kinda curious
Monica Tanner (39:20): There's there's dynamics that are so important in every relationship. Right. I mean to yourself first and then being able to share that and belong to the marriage. Yeah. And so you know, you learn how to belong to yourself and, and some, you know, I can't go back and work for when my, when my husband and I first got married, we built a business together. Right. And I worked for him. Right. I work in the business, but I worked for him. Right. And that worked for us at the beginning of our relationship, but I could never go back and work for you. He asks me all the time, like, can you please come back and work? No. Right. Grown and changed so much in our relationship that there's no way I could go back mourn for him. And I would ever consider retiring him and having him work for me, he's not passionate, passionate about right.
Monica Tanner (40:17): About me. And so that's another really important thing that don't confuse lack of interest, for lack of support. My husband's never going to be interested in intimacy and online marketing. Those are my passions and not his passions. Right. I'm never going to be as into college sports and working out with weights every single day, but I am super passionate about him. And I love to hear about his experiences and, and share with him whatever he's passionate about, but it's not my passion, same thing. True. I can sit down and tell him about, you know, my new funnel and, you know, working with a couple and then, you know, creating this vulnerability. Right. And he'll listen to me, never going to be passionate about that. Right. Use that as non-support, he's still supporting me, he's just interested.
Terra Bohlmann (41:14): Right. Right. Yeah. And that's exactly the truth. I mean, I have a whiteboard behind me in my office and it was like last week that I think I was showing him and I started drawing a, a funnel and this and that. And, and he gets A's in engineering is very like intelligent. You know, and he gets real excited about like the conversion aspect of split testing and that kind of stuff lights them up, but like, you know, changing women's business. So she makes more money is like, okay, that's cool. You know? And the same thing with him, he works in oil and gas and it's like, okay, he's going to tell me about the day, but I listened to it and he's passionate about it. And, and that's a good way to look at it, you know, is it's just a part of your relationship.
Terra Bohlmann (41:56): It isn't your relationship. And I think sometimes we, as women, we go all in and we just like, we're immersed in that world. I see it often when I start working with women and they're like, you know, I'm not here because I work with a lot of women who want to achieve more. Right. And it's like, they're comparing their beginning to someone else's middle. Right. And it's like, okay, let's pull back from the comparison game. They've been at this for awhile. Right. so let's meet you where you are and go from there. Right. So I love that. So final question. And then I want you to like, be able to share how people can connect more with you. What if the woman who's listening to this right now is like, Oh my gosh, like I'm vibing with this. This is, you know, I feel it. And my husband doesn't feel supportive for me. Like what is the first basically baby step thing that she can do in order to get some resolution to this?
Monica Tanner (42:52): Oh, that's a good question. Let's see. I mean, I actually, honestly, I would say the first thing that she could do is download this freebie that I'm an offer to your audience. Awesome. Let's hear about it. Yeah. It's called seven tips to get more support from your spouse. And it's really just some very basic places to start. It's seven things that you can do to get more support from your spouse and hear me out on this things that you can do now, you paint in them things that you can do. So so yeah, that was a good lead in because it, it just offers some suggestions of maybe some simple mindset shifts, things, maybe easy changes of behavior that you can implement that show them your spouse, that they are your first priority. And so that is what I do. I help women prioritize their marriage so that they can crush their business goals. And a lot of times it's just a matter of helping your husband feel like they are still your priority, even though you spent a lot of time and energy and financial resources.
Terra Bohlmann (44:09): Absolutely. So if we go there, it's just to grab the freebie that she has. It's on your website. I would imagine. Can you give us the domain name? We'll also link it in the show notes. So if you go to Terra Bohlmann.com it'll link on this episode page and we'll have a a link to it. But if they just want to go direct to it, how do they get to it? Yeah. So if it,
Monica Tanner (44:32): So it's actually not on my website, it's just that I offer it lean like, you know, opportunities like this. So they can go to www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com, which is that's my website. If they want this freebie, I'll go to www.onthebrightersideofmarriage.com, backslash spouse, support, spouse
Terra Bohlmann (44:57): Support. Okay, perfect. I love that. And then you can get the seven tips to get more support from your spouse and your business. I mean, who, what woman entrepreneur can't like, they, that's a must, like, it's almost like a Rite of passage to having your own business. You're married. You have to know how to be able to get the support that you deserve and that you need. And then I can tell you, like, if I was looking at a profitability chart in my business, when I started to get the more support and feel supported, and I told him, I was like, you are my mirror, you know? It's like, your profit goes up significantly. And so there's, I mean, you need to go be able to solve this so that you can focus on serving your customers and maximizing your profit for sure.
Monica Tanner (45:46): So download is a great place to start. Okay.
Terra Bohlmann (45:49): I love it. So Monica Tanner, thank you so much. She's the founder of on the brighter side of marriage.com. So go check her out. I'm sure she's got a ton of resources. She's your girl and get that support you need. Thank you so much for, we truly appreciate you being on Monica.
Monica Tanner (46:07): Yeah. Thanks Terra so much. Awesome.
Outro (46:12): And there you have it. Another jam packed episode of the fast-track woman podcast, don't forget to visit Terra Bohlmann.com where you can get more business tips and strategies learn how we can work together to accelerate your business success or access this podcast. Episode show notes with a full transcript and links to resources mentioned today. And if you enjoyed this podcast, I invite you to leave a review so that we can help serve more women business owners to like you until next time here's to owning your time and valuing your word.
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